Letter to the woman in the red car…
To the woman in the red car that sat in front of me in the drive-through line:
As is ever the case in our small town, the employees inside the fast food chain restaurant moved slower than molasses, and I had a while to look around at the world outside my car. Your red car happened to be the one in line directly in front of me, and I had the occasion to read your window stickers. “Ass Kickin’ Redneck Bitch”, and the other one, made up of the superman logo with the word “Bitch” beneath it. The first time I saw them, I just rolled my eyes, because I generally dislike the large majority of window and bumper stickers that adorn cars in our corner of the world. But as time went on, and I continued to sit there in line, I found myself contemplating those two statements, “Super Bitch” and “Ass Kickin’ Redneck Bitch”. I suddenly realized, that if I were given the chance, I had a question I wanted to ask you.
When did being a bitch become something to be proud of?
I remember many years ago, probably some time around the time that I was in junior high, and I first really became aware of that word. It was a taboo word, not just forbidden due to the strict nature of my family, but a word that carried meaning. It was an awful word that was used to describe someone that was a horrible person. To be called “the B word” was a slight against a person’s character. It meant that you were mean, or manipulative, or just generally a bad person. It was a word that was never really spoken aloud, used in almost whisper tones, as if the weight that it carried was too much to speak of. It was something to be ashamed of, to be called that name.
And yet, now, many women proudly claim it for themselves. They are proud of the fact that they are a “bitch”. They are proud to be rude, or offensive, or argumentative. They buy t-shirts, and bumper stickers, and key chains to proclaim their status to the world.
Dear woman in that red car, let me tell you a story, if you will. The other day a young couple with two small children came into the church office to meet with the preacher. As the parents headed back into his office, the mother turned and told her children (a 4 year old girl and a 7 year old boy) to sit down quietly and color. I braced myself for having to babysit these kids, but they immediately sat down with some crayons and some blank paper and began to draw pictures. The meeting went on longer than was expected, and after about 30 minutes or so, the young girl began to get restless. She stood up, walked over to my desk, and handed me the picture she had been drawing, telling me that it was for me. She then proceeded to quietly walk around the office reception area, talking to herself as she examined the wall of crosses, the pictures of Jesus, and any other thing that caught her eye. She touched nothing, caused no disruption, just talked to herself as she walked. Her mother, hearing the young girl talking, came out to tell her to sit back down and color and please be quiet.
Now, red-car lady, this is the part I wanted to emphasize to you. The young girl sat back down and simply said “yes ma’am” and began to color again. She said “yes ma’am”. My jaw hit the floor. I had not seen that happen in so long, that I honestly cannot remember the last time.
Let us travel again for a moment, if you will, back to when I was a kid. We were raised to say “yes ma’am” and “yes sir”. We were raised to call adults by Mr. Smith or Miss Smith. If an adult insisted that we use their first name, we were to call them Mr. John or Miss Nancy. We were taught to respect authority, elders, teachers, police officers, and pastors. We were taught that common courtesy and respect were cornerstones to being a good citizen. We were actually given “Good Citizen” awards in school for being a nice person. Good behavior, courtesy, and respect were actually traits that were celebrated.
This brings me back to my question for you. When did being a bitch become something to be proud of? And why? For heaven’s sake, why?
Two very vivid pictures remain in my head. The red car in front of me in the drive through. The young girl, in her pink dress, saying “yes ma’am”. I am a grown woman now, and yet I am still in the process of growing up. Every day I find myself faced with a choice of the kind of person I want to be.
The red car in front of me.
The young girl in the pink dress.
Who will I choose to be each day? Will I continue to strive to be a good person, to be nice? Will I continue to show respect to those in authority? Most importantly, will I continue to be PROUD to be a nice person?
Yes ma’am, I will.
Sincerely,
~ifer
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:31 am
Bravo!
The scary thing is that “bitch” will probably find someone who is proud to be an “asshole” and have spawn.
I’m blessed to have been raised the right way!
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Jennifer Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:33 am
Definitely, me too. I look back more and more fondly on some of the teachings of my parents each day.
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March 2nd, 2010 at 1:54 pm
I am not sure if the bumper stickers represents the taking back of such a term. That term is often assigned to women who stick up for themselves or who are assertive. The assertive woman in me wants to own being a bitch. That same woman in me wants to represent class, manners and respect. Its quite a dilemma. At the same time while I do respect authority, and my elders, I admit I am tainted by those who do not hold their positions in the same high regard. I respect a pastor who holds himself to the same high standards realizing he lives his life in the fishbowl. But I do not respect a pastor who robs from the church, is hypocritical and things he is above others because of his spiritual calling.
I am a lady. I am respectful. But I am also assertive, independent and a free thinker. Women have ALOT to juggle! Thanks for the food for thought today.
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March 2nd, 2010 at 2:39 pm
I was just talking to my mom about this the other day, or something similar. When did being rude, disrespectful, and down-right indignant become the cool thing to do.
I really understand the failings of our schools. It starts at home. How can we teach our youth to become the leaders of this country, when the lessons that are really being taught are to question and berate authority at every turn. There is no room for reading, writing and arithmetic, when our teachers are being forced to teach basic manners.
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March 2nd, 2010 at 3:49 pm
I never understood people being proud about that either. That or being a red neck. Sadly, I think that is the best and only thing they can claim for themselves in this life, which is why they wear those titles with pride. Honestly, I feel bad for them that they don’t feel they have anything else going on for them. How sad is it that they are proud to belittle themselves? They obviously have low self esteem and are entitled to pity, rather than respect.
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March 2nd, 2010 at 8:30 pm
BRAVO!
I cannot stand when women chose that word define themselves – not articulate, not bright, not intelligent.. but ‘b*tch’? I don’t get it. I can’t think of one instance that I have seen a woman put a positive connotation on that word. It was certainly nothing that my parents or loved ones ever instilled in me as being a goal that I should accomplish in life. Wonderful post!
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March 2nd, 2010 at 8:31 pm
It doesn’t have to be either or. I agree with Kortney. I think the positive spin on ‘bitch’ is from pride in overcoming doormat status.
Perhaps it is dramatized for effect. I wouldn’t want to call myself that, but I would rather be assertive than a saccharine, caustic “nice’ person. In between where a person can assert themselves and be authentic, can be interpreted by those who don’t want to hear it as lacking manners, even when respectfully said.
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Jennifer Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:36 pm
I agree with what you are saying, and Kortney too. But at the same time, I do think women should be assertive, I just wish that they wouldn’t use that word to describe themselves, even when they mean “assertive and willing to stand up for myself”. I don’t think we should be super sweet doormats. I just really really hate that word.
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March 4th, 2010 at 4:34 pm
I’m proud of being a nice person!! I would never use that word to describe myself, and I hope that no one who knows me would, either!!
There a difference between being assertive, sticking up for yourself, not being a doormat and being just downright nasty, rude, mean and ignorant.
And to me, the word Bitch says the latter.
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March 5th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
It would distress me greatly for anyone to think I was a bitch. I think, like some of the other commenters said, that for some it’s a way to reclaim the word. Still, though, I don’t like that word AT ALL…and I reserve it only for someone who is truly being a bitch. Too bad bitch has become synonymous with assertive and outspoken.
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March 6th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
You are my favorite blogger for bringing up things to think about. Sometimes after I respond, I feel afraid that I’ve reacted too much. I love when you respond and it seems okay to have our own opinions. Love you,
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March 9th, 2010 at 3:36 pm
I’m a “yes ma’am” kind of girl, too, and sure hope I’m raising my kids to be that way. Well, I know I am … Whether it “sticks” or not is up to them. You wonder what Woman in Red Car’s mom would think of her bumper sticker (and personality?) choices.
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March 10th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
I have recently been thinking about this as I see my younger cousins/friends writing to each other on social networking sites and calling each other ‘bitch’ in what, I assume, is meant to be an endearing way. To me it just sounds degrading and encourages others to use it in a derogative way. I do not think being assertive, sticking up for yourself and being an outspoken women makes you a bitch and I wish society had chosen a better word!!
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